this ice, dislodged, falls togetherly and sharp
the aching break, the sweet slide
the sounds secretly greening within the bough as it
slowbuoyed, these are as nothing
to the fall
once the fall;
a slump and a depth where was dome
in the second ground that lies pale here
and the bough springs up like birds
have taken flight.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
HELPPANTS.
I saw this tree covered with ice bending from the pressure, bending, bending, bowed, and then! Released. But I felt like I skipped over these lines:
They didn't seem to hold as much imagery as the others did, and I feel like I felt this whole image, this motion, and this feeling without them. Unless there's something in those four lines that I missed, you might consider cutting them or replacing them with something of a little more substance.
I am going back and re-reading it as well, and though I love the ice imagery in the first, it seems disconnected when working through it -- actually more like watching ice dislodge over a new spring stream, not connected to the tree at all.
I am so sorry if I am missing some deeper meaning, but I am enjoying so much this simple, beautiful described moment, and remembering how much I've always envied your talent for describing things that are in daily life. It's spot on, it's clear to me.
One other suggestion:
I think this should just be 'nothing'. That's how I consistently read it, and I don't think it changes the meaning to take out "nothing", because we read that you're describing a physical object so it can't actually be nothing.
Might want to bring the ice back in at the end somehow, if the ice is meant to connect to the bough. C: Thank you, Helppants. I missed you!
- Hannah -
Hey,
Okay, so maybe you need to add a bit of punctuation in there, commas at the ends of lines maybe?
But I like this, it's a bit short but flows nicley.
Gerry
I think what really makes this poem work is how well it reads aloud, and it just rolls perfectly off of your tongue. You use really good alliteration and rhythm, giving it a nice flow. I'm not completely sure how much I like the last line, though; I think it could've ended on a better note. All the same, I liked this.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver